Still so silly and dumb..

I should be preparing to sleep now.. becos I am so tired.. but there is something bothering me now that if I don't blog about it now.. I will have forced myself to forget it when I woke up.. and I think I will not be able to bring myself to tell the person face-to-face..

I wanted to tell this 'friend' what is in my mind now.. it is 'friend' becos I really don't know whether this person is really my friend.. I know I am a sensitive person.. I maybe over-sensitive.. but I just feel that I am like being used.. I don't know whether you have wanted to get near to me or being nice to me just becos you have a motive which is get more info..

When I feel that a person is worth being my true friend, I will put in near 100% of efforts to maintain the friendship and treat the person with near 100% of sincerity.. becos I really cherish true friendships.. maybe I am an only child so I really put friends in the higher priority after my parents.. I can't survive without friends.. although I put in so much efforts, I will never ever expect the other person to reciprocate with the same effort.. I have experienced before.. you view ppl as friends, they may not view you this way.. everybody has their own set of opinions.. maybe I am just not good enough for them.. or the timing is just not right.. they already have their own true friends.. why will they need me? but I always been so silly and dumb to just put in my best efforts to help and treat them well.. even though I know I may not get anything in return and I don't really want anything.. I just want the true friendship..

I thought this 'friend' can be my true friend.. I really thought so.. becos I really feel the care and concern from you.. and I always being so naive to only think that way.. and never want to think so much.. but this has changed now.. after experiencing "when I need you I will look for you, when I no need you I don't want to care or talk to you", I start to have 2nd thought.. I really feel that you are treating me this way.. I start to think whether you treat me nice to be in my good book.. becos I get along well with other people? I can get more info easily and feed you with these info? I just naturally know a lot of things when ppl talk around me.. I don't really go and find out or kaypoh.. and I don't really go around to tell ppl things that I heard.. unless that it is harmless or I really trust the person whom I tell the things to.. so I really put in my trust to tell you.. I have trusted you..

I tried to tell you about my personal stuff you seems not interested at all.. you only interested in the info that I provide you.. then I start to feel you actually don't really care about me at all.. you maybe just feel lonely sometimes and need somebody to accompany you and provide you with interesting stories that what I feel.. and you think that you have to be nice to me to exchange for the info.. I actually don't mind telling you things.. but to think that I just mean nothing much to you compared to the info.. I feel so silly and dumb again.. why must I commit the same mistakes again? why am I being so trusting? I just know that if I don't give, I will definitely get none in return.. so I must try to give no matter what..

I just feel that I getting my "retribution" for not cherishing the friendships I have when I am younger so end up I have put in more efforts to build up good karma to really get true friends.. and this will take time..

I still hope that I am being oversensitive and over thinking things.. and I have misunderstood your behaviour.. maybe I just don't understand you at all.. I don't really know you, to be honest..