Where is my old self?

Where is that only child, independent, loner attitude?

I used to be a loner.. i wanted to be a loner and I distaste those people who always follow decision that is made by their friends.. they need to follow their friends wherever they go.. even the schools they go.. to be always together.. I used to be so until early uni.. but I have changed.. changed under circumstances.. under the influence of my environment and the people i know.. now i don't like to go back to loner anymore.. and I become more dependent on my friends.. to be honest, I can't live life without friends anymore.. I am not happy doing things alone.. so sad..

last time i also have many friends.. but they are just friends.. my priorities are my parents and studies.. I can just find things to do even without friends.. so I became a loner.. I could have very close friends but I set up an invisible wall to block them away from my inner self.. I dislike people to get too close to me so follow me wherever I go.. it's like no freedom and so they went to be close friends with other people and they are even closer now.. and me.. ended up with no close friends at all..

I can say i have 1 or 2 close friends now.. but they are never the ones whom I will share things with every moment.. we only meet up once in a while to update each other on the happenings.. I seem so sociable.. so many friends but I am just so empty inside.. I tried to open my heart to people whom I thought can be my close friends but they are just not interested.. I am just bad in judging people.. am I too reserved and too choosy in choosing friends? I think I am..

I sort of give up now.. I will treasure what I have now.. and I should be going back to my old self.. just be happy with doing things alone.. one person can also enjoy and of course spending time with people who are sincerely true friends will be even better.. just one or two will be sufficient..