Who can be worse than me?

"watch what you say, or you could unwittingly hand someone a piece of ammunition that you do not need detonated in your direction." - horoscope in the Life section of straits times

is it really so accurate..really cannot believe it! but I only saw this after the ammunition has been detonated.. yah.. really a very very big explosion.. something I really didn't expect to happen.. so drastically.. frightened me too.. I am really not an obedient child.. my parents must be really unhappy to have me as their daughter.. but parents will just forgive their children and so are they.. bygones are bygones..

but did I really do something terrible? maybe have been accumulated in my dad to long already.. yah.. I have been avoiding talking to my dad for quite some time.. I don't talk unnecessarily.. becos scared of his nagginess.. just feel that he don't really understand..

sat was my dad's birthday.. should be a happy day.. it has started off okay.. with a birthday song and a kiss on his cheek.. then afternoon.. went to suki sakura for buffet lunch.. some good food for celebration.. then my dad came to fetch us.. yah in the morning he went to drive taxi.. then everything's okay until.. I was showing my mum the photo that I worn the jester costume.. then she says it's okay mah.. not ugly mah.. showing to her is okay but showing dad.. is no no.. that I was thinking then.. then so I immediately want to take back the phone.. becos I knew she wanted to show dad.. yes.. she was sitting in front while I am seated in the back.. I wanted to snatch back my phone.. becos she held it away from me.. then some snatching action sort of disturbing my dad driving.. so he is sort of irritated.. and when I finally got back my phone.. I am also angry lor.. so angry that tears came out and I shouted angrily to my mum.. then this caused the bomb to explode..

my dad just hate seeing me cry or shout and especially that day was his birthday so he was so so so angry.. it is really unimaginable.. all vulgarities came out..such as bastard, f*** you.. not once and many many times.. and he is driving at that time okay.. and he shouted why I always treat them as outsiders.. they are my parents.. but I don't let them touch me.. touch my things.. then scold my mum for taking my thing.. starting all these.. blah blah blah.. I was really shocked.. not by the vulgarities.. he said that to me before.. that's long time ago.. I was shocked that he shouted then paused then shouted again then banged on his car.. and he finally break down.. crying.. I never saw him cry before except when our close relatives passed away.. I don't exactly see him cry as I was directly seated behind him.. I just heard him cry.. I was scared so was my mum.. who has maintained strong and calm through and I just kept quiet and continue crying..

when my father broke down crying, my mum calmed him down and handed him a tissue and demanded me to stop crying.. becos we are supposed to fetch my aunt too for lunch.. so we immediately try to get back to normal.. and pretend nothing happened.. and we did.. I thought that was the end already.. but another thing happened.. after finishing the meal.. my mother quietly passed me her card to pay for the lunch.. okay I paid and happily went back to the table then my dad saw the receipt and asked me what it is.. and he is very angry again when he saw the receipt becos he had paid for it already.. oh my.. bad things don't happen once in a day.. and he scold my mum for not asking him.. and also scolded the staff at the counter.. something like so disappointed with the company.. something like that.. it was very loud lor.. so I quickly speak to the staff.. they apologise and repay us back in cash.. I actually felt embarrassed that my father scolded so loudly at them.. with no vulgarities of course..

after we left, my dad still reprimanded my mother for doing things without asking him and he said it was really not a smooth day for him..

I think my dad is really out of control.. I don't know is becos of his old age.. or really his disappointment in me.. for not being his perfect daughter.. who always chat with him.. show my love for him.. then I was thinking.. why don't they have more children.. if I have siblings.. maybe things will be better.. I just hate myself for being a only child.. I just don't want to say out " I love you dad".. that's not me.. it just feel so mushy.. so eeeeee.. must I really say that to show that I love them.. must really give them a kiss now and then to show I love them.. I just feel that I am too old for that liao.. I always do that when I am young.. now? I just don't feel like doing it.. and do I have to share with them everything.. I have my own privacy too.. I share with mum some private stuff.. but father.. I don't really..

now I just feel scared of him.. if that day I am not seated at the back but just beside me.. he may even give me a tight slap.. he was so agitated.. I scare his blood pressure will get higher and has heart attack.. my father always think that he is the best father in the world.. care for me a lot.. always speak to me to try to understand me.. and allow me to do everything I want but only after I have told him about it.. maybe I just don't deserved all the caring.. becos I sometime don't appreciate it.. maybe it's too much for me to handle.. just feel stressed out of it.. and irritated by why can't he just don't care.. and just let me do what I want.. I am old enough to make decision.. I am just like a child to him.. I think the barrier between us is getting larger.. I just don't feel like talking to him now.. just don't want to agitate him again..